After my seventh child, Caleb, was born, I found myself in a very dark place emotionally. I had never experienced “baby blues” or whatever you want to call it, but I sure had it this time. I wanted to crawl in a hole away from the world. I felt like a failure. I felt lonely. It was very difficult to be so thankful for this wonderful gift from YHVH and feel so horrible inside.
But YHVH always knows what He is doing.
I removed myself from just about everything online, and just focused on caring for my family and spending time with YHVH. I began reading through the Psalms. I prayed, not just any prayer, but those groaning from the heart prayers.
I didn’t know what I needed, or what to pray, but YHVH knew what I needed before I did. As I settled into life with seven children, He began to meet the needs of my heart. He brought an article across my path. (You can find it here.) It was all about true repentance. We can believe the right things. We can do the right things. We can keep Sabbath and eat right. But we cannot save ourselves. We must realize just how needy we are. As I read through that article, I suddenly realized just how selfish I can be. It’s too easy to be resentful when my children interrupt me. It’s too hard to say sorry when I’m wrong. I can’t obey like I want to. I can’t make my family life and home the way it should be. I came to the end of myself and realized I’m not enough.
I had always been the good girl, doing the right thing, saying the right thing. I confessed my sins, but I had gotten sloppy. It was too easy to think too well of myself and no longer see my faults. But, that evening, as I sat on my bed, I confessed my sins once again. I thanked Yeshua for dying for me and rising again. It is through Him that we can do all things. He saves and He forgives. Praise YHVH!!!!
That was the beginning of YHVH’s answers to my unspoken prayers. He began showing me solutions to the problems I had long struggled with, from keeping a budget to helping my children thrive in a calm and pleasant atmosphere. But I had to come to YHVH empty, realizing that by myself I could only accomplish selfishness and pride. Torah isn’t enough! We must also trust in the Word made flesh, Yeshua, the perfect embodiment of Torah. He came to give us a perfect example of obedience. And when we finally realize that we cannot follow His example by ourselves, we see that He died and rose again to take our punishment. I deserved to be there and pay for my own sins, but He took them for me. And He helps me to obey in His strength and understanding.
As I sat on my bed that night, YHVH brought to mind the rich man. Do you remember the man that asked Yeshua how to be saved, and Yeshua told him to sell all his possessions and give them to the poor? I think we all have “riches” that we must give up to follow Him. For me to follow Yeshua, I must give up my selfishness and serve. Whenever my children need something, particularly in the middle of the night, YHVH reminds me with the word “service.” He has given me the strength to clean up puke, wash the dishes, pick up after my children, and serve with a glad heart rather than a resentful one. It is a joy to serve in His power.
How about you? Are you obeying Torah but on the inside have forgotten the Savior that died for you? Have you let sin slip into your heart and make you bitter? Please take the time to search your heart. You have to dig deep and come to that breaking point where you realize just how awful you are and the punishment you really deserve. But then you remember that Yeshua died for you. He isn’t just something you learned at church and threw out when you began keeping Torah. He is your Savior! Bow at His feet in thanksgiving, and He’ll lift you up out of the mire. Our God is a forgiving God! He will help you to have true repentance – confession of your sin and purpose to never do it again.
Torah isn’t enough, you must also have Yeshua!
And can I just say to those of you hurting right now – hang in there! YHVH has so much planned for you! It is when we don’t have the answers that He can show Himself and His truth to us best. I am praying for you right now that YHVH would just wrap His arms around you as only He can.
During that time, my husband gave me some wonderful advice. I was having a hard time even praying, so he told me to pray the amidah every day. The amidah is a collection of prayers based heavily on Scripture. Reading through those prayers every day helped me to focus on YHVH, even though I didn’t know what to pray by myself. Anne Elliott of Homeschooling Torah shares her morning prayer time, which includes traditional prayers.
May YHVH bless you greatly, no matter what is going on in your heart right now! 🙂